why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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