I didn't shave. On purpose
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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