Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
