dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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