i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
