Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize