Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
