Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
