Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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