Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Also, beer. Big fan.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
