Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
