I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
