i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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