that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
