TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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