a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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