if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hippo gnu deer
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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