It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
