i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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