I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
