how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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