apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
