Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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