the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
false alarm, still single
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize