It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
