Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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