how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
