Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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