I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize