New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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