life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
this is an emotional support booty call
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
