My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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