Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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