my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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