My nipple is on Facebook.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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