The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You took a bar mat shot.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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