soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
