It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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