we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
