We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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