Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
