How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
