I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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