Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
