I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
