Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
