Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
