I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Say something about gay babies.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
