Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
