they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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