So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
