there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
