my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
