my soul wont recognize me after tonight
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
