I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
