ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
