If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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