Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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