The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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