i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
