i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
