Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize