I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
