I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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