I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
